10 reasons why i am not a twilight fan

1) i am personally offended that the beautiful olympic peninsula has only now received rampant worldwide recognition, not for it's dark mossy forests, clear rivers and lakes, world class mountains and salt water beaches but rather as the supposed setting of a low grade science fiction teen romance novel.

2) i like vampires. i am not a vampire freak but i enjoy the archetype of a dark being, living off the life source of others. the vampire bite is undeniably sexy and the goriness of a vampire lifestyle is mandatory for this symbolic being to have any meaning at all. edward is as much vampire as a brown unicorn with no magical powers, and no horn is a unicorn. in fact edward is more a unicorn than the brown pony because he, GASP, twinkles and we all know unicorns are twinkly.

3) edward is a jerk. he is always breaking his promises to bella, spying on her and in general being a controlling, jealous douche.

4) the portrayal of native americans in this saga is abysmal. the natives live in crummy homes, they run in out of control packs, like feral dogs and they abuse their women.

5) stephanie meyer is not only a weak writer, she behaved in a socially irresponsible manner when she chose to write about an area she had never visited nor knew anything about. she furthered this rash behavior with her mention of specific businesses that she had also never set foot in. if you were a vampire would you take your date to bella italia, a brightly lit street level former coffee house gallery or would you maybe opt for the italian restaurant across the street located in a haunted crypt? maybe this isnt such an obvious answer when you are edward the vampire. meyers decision to use these real life settings has had large financial consequences for local business owners.

6) the plot is dumb.

7) bella is boring. there is nothing in her character that makes me want to know if she chooses to get it on with an uptight old dude or a local hunky guy. i am all for boring people finding love. i just don't want to read about it.

8) poor forks. sure their economy has had a rebirth since the books came out. but the town known for its loggers and bad weather, general roughness and loggers who cut hippies long hair with chainsaws, must be a let down to twilight tourists who arrive expecting a quaint seaside town with tree lined victorians and a hip high school with kids driving expensive cars. even the new WELCOME TO FORKS sign, erected specifically for all the tourists to get their picture taken in front of, is just rough hewn wood, stuck up on a muddy salal covered bump.

9) there are a lot of amazing pieces of fiction published and yet this is the drivel that folks are drawn to.

10) i just loathe the hype. i hate that it is news that a lame story with lamer movies makes everyone stop and tune in. they sit in the rain for days and squeal at the sight of the subpar actor's card board cut outs in the "dazzled by twilight" shop. they count down the hours to both movie and book releases. they discuss the amazing love of the two bozo stars. maybe i sound like the twilight grinch, picking on all the cullens down in forksville. but don't look for me to get a grinchy change of heart on this one. i have to live here.

my jeopardy story

this is my jeopardy story. if i was clever enough to get on the show, it would give a brief insight into who i am. do you have a jeopardy story?

it was the year 2000. i had traveled by train from eastern china to the far northwestern corner of that giant country. enroute i had caught buses in deserted desert towns and suffered through insane mountain roads with detours through the sand that included sand dune enclosed dump trucks as part of the scenery. i had peed in my tea cup (because i was on a bus of all men) and basically accepted that i might die trying to reach Kashgar china. the bus lurched like an old over laden ship in the night. i went back to sleep and hoped for the best. but i got there! and it was very exciting because we were really FAR OUT.

western china is much similar to the middle east. there are people with light hair and green eyes and freckles and mosques. and its very remote. even in this big city.

now we get to my jeopardy story.

leaving our hotel, in the morning. we stroll down the sidewalk. what should evolve before us? a street fight! a chinese street fight. with 3 men attacking 2. they are pulling all sorts of kung fu moves. flying through the air with legs extended and a bunch of chinese yelling. now, i hate fights. and i am in a nice comfy travelling dress. and i am about 2 feet taller than any one and blond and huge! without thinking, i jump into the fray. i am armed only with a water bottle.i shout something like "knock it the fuck off". i remove the lid and fling water at the assailants. (hey it works for dogs right?) it all freezes. they have NO idea what has just happened. one man grabs his glasses the other 4 gawk. then the group splits and the fight is over. my travelling partner looks at me like i am crazy. "what?"i say. we stroll further down the street. 2 very old chinese men sitting on the curb smile up at me with toothless grins and give me the universal thumbs up sign! i am in FAR NORTH WESTERN CHINA!

that would be my jeopardy story but it would have to be gravely shortened to "i once broke up a street fight in china"and then i would get creamed on european history.

when i spit water in the peoples liberation army guys face, well that would not get told until i made it to the next days show.